When She Cries
by Lewis Kiniski's Sweetheart
Summary: Sidney makes a decision about what to do with Margaret. Please Review!
1. One Little Tear

DISCLAMER: I don't own MASH and all that malarkey…

"We need more sponges!"

"Suction, doctor?"

"Ready to close."

It was four-thirty in the afternoon, and the doctors and nurses of the 4077th were, as always, in surgery. Casualties started coming early in the morning, and hadn't stopped since. Everyone was exhausted.

"Klinger, where are those sponges!"

Margaret had been in a bad mood all day; and she certainly didn't need any more stress.

"We've got more casualties coming in! Sorry for the sponge delay, Major."

"Just make sure it doesn't happen again, Corporal."

"Sorry, ma'am."

"Margaret, what's with you?"

Hawkeye had been very worried about Margaret lately. She didn't seem like herself. He knew she was a crabby person; but lately she hardly talked to anyone, and when she did, she was yelling.

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

"It's just that you seem…"

"I'm fine! You should be focusing on your patient the way you're prying in on my life!"

"I'm sorry, Margaret."

Hawkeye didn't know what was going on with her; but he knew he had to find out….

Finally, the long and brutal surgery session was over. Hawkeye, Margaret, Trapper and Colonel Blake were changing in the scrub room. Margaret changed as fast as she could and quickly left.

"Does anybody know what's going on with her?"

"What do you mean?"

"You mean you haven't noticed a change in her, Trapper?"

"No, not really."

"Well, something's going on and I want to know what it is."

Hawkeye quickly put on his shirt and headed to Margaret's tent. He kept wondering what the matter with her was. _"Is she having a bad day? No, this has been going on for a while. Maybe she's just sick of the Army. It can't be; Margaret likes the Army. What is it?"_

Hawkeye was about to knock on her door when he heard her crying. It was more like sobbing. He knocked on the door, still wondering what was going on.

"Margaret, it's Hawkeye. Can I come in?"

"Leave me alone."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Please go away."

"Well…if you need to talk… I'm here."

She didn't answer.

"Hey, Hawk!"

"Hi, Trapper."

"What did you mean in the scrub room?"

"Trapper, something's going on with her. She stays in her tent all the time, doesn't talk to anyone, and she's…crying."

"Hawk, why are you so worried about her? She's probably having a rough day. Are you coming to the Swamp?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Hawkeye and Trapper walked back to the Swamp. _"No wonder she's crying. Nobody cares about her. Well I do; and I'm going to find out what's wrong…." _

Margaret locked her door. All she did was cry. She couldn't stop. She didn't have any tears left but she was still crying. She needed a way to release her pain and anger. Something she had done before; and it helped her. Most people drink to forget; but it didn't help her. Getting drunk then sobering up and realizing your life is still a disaster didn't seem like a good way to release pain. So she did it another way. She searched through her drawers; finding a hairbrush, some tubes of lipstick, and…a razor. She rolled up her sleeve, put the razor in her hand, and lightly ran it across her arm. She watched herself bleed for a few moments. She made three more marks on her arm; this time cutting harder. She looked at her arm and cried…

Dinner time came soon enough. Hawkeye was sitting at a table with Trapper and Colonel Blake. He thought this would be a good time to talk to Margaret. He saw her and Frank walk in. She sat down at the table next to Hawkeye's and laid her head down while Frank got dinner.

"Margaret, what's the matter?"

She put her head up; her eyes were puffy and red.

"I'm fine. I'm just…tired."

"Look, if you need to talk…"

"I don't. Now please, I'd like to be alone."

As Hawkeye went back to his table, Frank came back with two trays.

"Here you go."

"Frank, I can't eat. I'm sick to my stomach over this."

"Well, it's here if you want it. I also got you some water."

"Thanks, Frank. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, I thought I wouldn't start doing this again."

"Have you done it today?"

"Yeah, after surgery. Frank…I'm scared."

Tears streamed down her face and Frank held her close. He was afraid for her, too. He comforted her for a few minutes; then she went back to her tent. Hawkeye was confused now more than ever.

"What the hell is wrong!"

"Not Margaret again."

"Yes Margaret again. I can't believe you're so uncaring about her!"

Frank heard Hawkeye yelling about Margaret and sat next to him.

"Hawkeye, she's hurting. Don't bother her."

"Frank, what's wrong with her?"

"She's in pain and…she's going through something right now that's scaring her."

"What is it?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Just leave her alone."

Hawkeye could see Frank was about to cry. Obviously Frank cared for her. Even though their romance didn't last, they were best friends. Whatever Margaret was going through, Frank was being affected, too.

"Frank I care about Margaret and I want to help her. Please tell me what's going on."

"I can't. I think she'll be able to overcome what she's going through. But for now, she should be left alone…."

It was now nine at night. Trapper and Frank were on their way to the movie, Bonzo Goes to Ethiopia. Hawkeye wanted to try one more time to talk to Margaret. He just had to know. He wanted to help her.

"Margaret, can I please come in?"

"Hawkeye…"

"Margaret, please. I want to talk to you."

"Come in."

She opened the door and he walked in. She was in her pink robe; and there were a pile of tissues on her bed.

"Margaret, what's going on with you? You're crying all the time, you're not eating, and you stay in your tent all the time…what's wrong?"

"Hawkeye, I'm in a lot of pain."

"Margaret, everyone is. This place stinks."

"You don't understand. I'm tired of being lonely."

"Lonely?"

"The things I want most I don't have. None of my relationships have worked out, I'm sick of my job and this damn war, and I…just don't know if I have anything good ahead of me."

"Margaret, I feel the same way sometimes."

"It's not the same! You don't' understand. No one does. Worse than that, no one wants to listen. You and Trapper have your own little world, and the nurses think I'm nothing but a bitch. They hate me because all I do is yell at them. I really don't mean to; but it comes out that way and they hate me for it."

"So that's why you've been crying all the time. You feel guilty."

"Guilty about everything wrong that happens in my life."

"Margaret, not everything is your fault. You can't blame yourself."

"You don't understand…I'm just in a lot of pain."

She tugged at her sleeve and started to cry again.

"Margaret, I talked to Frank. He told me you were scared about something."

"Frank told you about me?"

"Well, no. He hardly said anything; except you were going through something. What's going on, Margaret."

"I told you, I'm in a lot of pain."

She tugged at her sleeve again.

"Why do you keep doing that?"

"What?"

"Playing with your sleeve. Is there something wrong with it?"

"Why would you ask me that? There's nothing wrong!"

"Margaret, are trying to hide something on you arm?"

"You're not looking at my arm! There's nothing wrong with it!"

Hawkeye realized what she was doing; and his heart sank.

"Margaret are you…cutting yourself?"

Margaret cried harder. She looked at him with a sad and hopeless face.

"Yes."

He looked at her with sadness.

"How long has this been going on?"

"About a week. I did it a few months ago. I didn't think I'd do it again but…I did."

"That's why you were stressed in O.R., and you didn't have an appetite today."

"Yeah."

"Margaret…you can't be doing this. I'll be there for you every step of the way… but you need help."

"How can someone help me when no one understands?"

A/N: Okay, guys? How do you like it? Good? Bad? Please Review!


	2. Help is On the Way

DISCLAMER- I don't own MASH, but I do have all the Season DVDs! Season 3 is my favorite. Yeah, yeah, on with the show….

"Margaret, you need help. Why don't we call Sidney and you can talk to him about this."

"I don't want anyone else to know."

"Someone else has to know."

"Can't we just keep it a secret for now?"

"Margaret, this could get more serious. I mean, you could end up…"

"Hawkeye, I'll be fine. It probably won't happen again."

"You don't know that. That's why we need to stop this now."

"You're taking this way out of proportion! I'll be fine. I just to cool off, that's all. Now please, I'd like to get some rest."

"Will you be okay?"

"Yes, I'll be fine."

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No, I told you I'll be fine."

Hawkeye gave Margaret a long hug, and she tried not to start crying again. He slowly walked out the door. He didn't know how in the hell he could help her. Margaret locked her door, and lay down on her bed. She was tired, yet she couldn't close her eyes. She just stared into space; unsure of what was going to happen. Hawkeye was very much awake. He didn't see himself falling asleep anytime soon. He poured himself a drink, sat on his bed, and wondered what to do with Margaret. He never thought she would fall apart like this. He always saw Margaret as a strong woman; now she was very weak and helpless. As he gulped down his drink, tears started to fall from his eyes. Just then, Trapper came in.

"Boy was that movie boring! Even Radar fell asleep; and he loves Bonzo movies."

He looked at Hawkeye to find him crying in his second Martini.

"Hawk, what's the matter?"

"Trapper, Margaret's not well."

"What are you talking about?"

"After you went to the movie, I went to talk to her. She's…Trapper, she hurts herself."

"She what?"

"Maybe I shouldn't tell you anymore. She doesn't want anyone else to know."

"Hawk, tell me!"

"She…I still can't believe it…cuts herself."

"Margaret cuts herself?"

"Yep. Trap, I don't know what to do. I have to help her; but how?"

"Call Sidney."

"I said that but she doesn't want to."

"How bad is it?"

"She has four cuts on her left arm. Trap, how are we going to help her?"

Trapper looked down at the floor. He didn't know what to do, either.

"Do you think I should talk to Frank about this? I mean, he knows more about it than I do."

"Maybe. I saw him walking towards Post-Op after the movie."

"Alright, I'll go talk to him. Trapper, you can't say a word to anyone until we can figure something out."

"I won't, don't worry."

Hawkeye wiped the tears from his face and headed to Post-Op. There he saw Frank and Nurse Kelly; along with the many patients that were operated on earlier.

"Frank, can I talk to you for a moment?"

"What is it?"

"It's about Margaret."

"Margaret? Is she okay?"

"That depends on how you define 'okay.' Frank, I talked to her a short bit ago. I know that she cuts herself. Obviously, you know more about the situation than I do; but I want to help her."

"Thank you Pierce, but why...I mean you never..."

"I know Trapper and I pick on her a lot, but this is serious and I want her to get better."

"I put in a call to Sidney. Margaret doesn't know yet. She doesn't want to see him; but she's going to have to."

"What did he say?"

"He said, depending on how severe it is, either treat her here or take her back to Tokyo and put her in a hospital."

"I don't think locking her up is going to solve anything."

"I don't know, Pierce. If this was the first or even second time she did this, I would let it go but…"

"Wait, this has happened _more _than twice? That's not what she told me."

"Pierce, she's been cutting herself off and on even before the war. She just never got help because she didn't feel like it was necessary."

"When's Sidney coming?"

"Ten tomorrow morning. They're probably going to talk in her tent."

"Can I be there, too?"

"Yeah, I guess. I'm going."

"Okay, then. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Pierce…thank you for caring."

"All I want is for her to get better."

Frank managed to give Hawkeye a weak smile.

"So, should I tell Margaret Sidney's coming?"

"I was going to, but if you want to that's fine."

"Alright. See you in the morning."

A/N: So, what do you think? I'd greatly appreciate your reviews. Thanks!


	3. A Mixed Up Girl

A/N: So, yeah, this is it. On with the secular festivities! Sorry for the delay, folks. I had to get a new motherboard for my laptop and my charger wasn't working and then Fanfiction wasn't working and all that fun stuff.

Hawkeye slowly walked to Margaret's tent. He had no idea what she was going to say to him about Sidney coming. He knew that's not what she wanted; but she needed to get help. He knocked on her door; wandering if she was asleep. She wasn't. Margaret was crying and lying down on the bed. She heard the knock on the door, wiped her tears from her face, and answered the door.

"Margaret, I'm sorry to bother you again, but I have to talk to you. Can I come in?"

"Sure, Captain."

Hawkeye walked in the door and saw even more tissues on her bed than before.

"What is it?"

"Frank called Sidney. He's coming tomorrow morning."

"What? Why did he do that! He knows I don't want to see anyone."

"Margaret, he cares…we care for you, and seeing Sidney might help you."

"Yeah right. He'll take one look at me and throw me in a hospital. I know he will. I was in one a few years ago. It was awful. Being there didn't make any difference."

"Yeah, speaking of that, Frank told me you've been doing this for a long time."

"Since I was fourteen. Between moving all of the time because of my father, not being able to stay in one school and not having any friends got to me. It's just the way I deal with pain."

"It's not healthy. You're hurting your body."

"Like you don't hurt yours with that booze you drink all the time?"

"That's different."

"No it's not; it's exactly the same. Your drinking is no different from my cutting. They're just different ways of releasing pain. You don't have to see Sidney so why should I?"

"He can help you get through this. Please, just see him tomorrow. You never know, it might help you. Margaret, I don't want anything to happen to you. This might get more serious if you don't stop it now. Please, just think about it. Frank and I will be there with you."

"What time is he coming?"

"Ten tomorrow morning."

"I'll think about it."

"Okay. You're going to be alright, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Okay. Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow."

Hawkeye stared at Margaret for a few moments. He could see she really was in a lot of pain. He gave her a hug and went back to the Swamp. He wasn't sure if Margaret was going to show. If he was in her shoes he would feel the same way. Hawkeye walked in the Swamp to find Trapper drinking a Martini.

"Well?"

"Frank made a call to Sidney. He's coming tomorrow morning."

"What did Margaret say?"

"She thinks there's no point. I tried to convince her as much as I could. I don't know if she's going to come."

"I don't blame her. This place gets to everyone."

"Trapper, she's been doing this since she was fourteen."

"And she's never gotten help?"

"She was in the hospital several years ago; and it didn't help her. I just hope talking to Sidney will do some good."

"He's a very caring man. He'll understand where Margaret is coming from. I'm sure she'll be okay."

Hawkeye lay down in his bed and tried to get some rest….

Ten in the morning came soon enough. Hawkeye asked Radar to keep Colonel Blake away from his office for a while. Sidney had arrived and was making his way to the Colonel's office. When he got there he saw a distraught Hawkeye; but no Margaret.

"Good morning, Captain."

"Morning, Sidney."

"Where's Major Houlihan?"

"I don't know. She might not even show up. I told her last night that you were coming and she got upset, so she…"

Before Hawkeye could finish his sentence, Margaret walked through the door. Her face was red and she had tears in her eyes.

"Margaret?"

"Good morning, Major. How are you feeling?"

"I'm…" she took a deep breath "fine, Dr. Freedman. I...thought I'd give this a try."

"Good, I'm glad. Where would you like to talk?"

"It doesn't matter. Just so no one's around."

Hawkeye stood up from the Colonel's seat.

"Well I guess I'll be going…"

"Hawkeye, wait. I want you to be here. Sidney, can he stay?"

"Sure, Major. Why don't we sit down and…?"

"Wait, we'd better go in Margaret's tent. You never know when Colonel Blake and Radar will pop up."

"Alright, then. Let's go."

Hawkeye, Margaret and Sidney walked to Margaret's tent. Hawkeye didn't know how it would go. He only wanted Margaret to get better. When they entered her tent, Margaret quickly removed the many tissues off her bed and put them in her waste basket. She sat down and Hawkeye sat next to her; trying to make her a little at ease.

"Now Margaret, first tell me why we need to have this discussion."

"I'm…I'm…cutting myself."

"When did this start?"

"A week ago."

"How many times have you cut yourself in the past week?"

"Five."

"When was the last…"

"Wait a minute," Hawkeye quickly broke in to the conversation "I only saw four cuts on your arm."

"I did it after you left last night."

Hawkeye looked at Margaret, then at the floor to keep himself from crying.

"Margaret you said the last time you cut yourself was last night?"

"Yes. Hawkeye came in and said that you were coming. I got mad because I didn't want anyone else to know and I…"

"I see. Margaret, what do you cut yourself with?"

"A razor blade."

"Where do you cut yourself?"

"On my arms."

"May I please see them?"

Margaret looked down at her arm, then at Sidney, then at Hawkeye. She was afraid of what they would do. She rolled up her sleeve and exposed the light red marks on her arm. Hawkeye started to feel sick. He wanted to scream at Margaret and tell her what she's doing is wrong. He wanted to put some sense into her head. But instead he held it in.

"Okay, Margaret. You can put your sleeve down. Now tell me, is this the first time you ever cut yourself?"

"No. I've been doing it off and on since I was fourteen."

"Have you ever gotten help?"

"I was in the hospital a few years ago."

"Did that help at all?"

"No."

"I see. Have you ever been on medication or been to therapy?"

"No. I didn't think I needed to."

"Do you still feel that way?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I'm scared and I don't know what's going to happen to me. Other times I feel like I can handle it."

"Do you feel like you have no future ahead of you?"

"Sometimes…yes."

"Margaret you know this is not a positive way to release pain and anger. There are many other things that you can do. You can throw things, yell at people…"

"That's the problem. I end up taking my anger out on my nurses. They hate me for it and never show me respect. I don't want to hurt anyone so I take it out on myself."

Margaret burst into tears. Sidney looked over to Hawkeye; who was also starting to cry.

"Captain, can I talk to you outside?"

"Sure. Margaret, will you be okay?"

Margaret looked at Hawkeye, then buried her face in her hands.

"I know what he's going to do."

"He's not going to put you in a hospital. I'll make sure of that."

Hawkeye kissed her head; then walked out the door.

"So what do you think, Sidney?"

"There's no doubt that she needs help. I have an idea…"

"Sidney, she doesn't want to be locked up. I don't think it's a good idea, either."

"Don't worry. I'm not going to put her in a hospital. I want her to stay here so she can continue working. But I also want her to be kept under observation. I was thinking you and Trapper could watch over her without it being too obvious."

"Isn't that the same thing as locking her up?"

"Not exactly. Putting her in a hospital in Tokyo where she's unfamiliar with her surroundings is one thing. Keeping her here in her own environment with people she knows is much more affective. I think we should give it a try. At least here she'll see that people are supporting her. What do you think?"

"All I want is for Margaret to get better. Whatever you think is best I'll go along with it."

"Alright. Is Colonel Blake in? I want to ask him about this idea."

"I'm not sure; but I'll have to come with you. He doesn't know yet."

"He doesn't?"

"No. Only Frank, Trapper and myself know."

"That reminds me, where is Major Burns?"

"I don't know. He was supposed to come but as you can see he didn't."

"Hmm. Alright, why don't we check on Margaret and then talk to Colonel Blake."

As Sidney and Hawkeye went back into the room, they saw Margaret lying down at her bed.

"Margaret, we've come up with an idea. I'm not going to put you in a hospital. Instead I want you to stay here. We're on our way to talk to Colonel Blake. I wanted to ask you if there is anything else you wanted to talk to me about."

"No. I'm alright now."

"Are you sure? I can stay as long as you want me to."

"I'm sure."

"Would you like to do this again?"

"Can I think about it?"

"Sure. I'll call you in a few days to see how you're doing. Take care, Margaret."

Sidney gave Margaret an encouraging smile and walked out.

"Are you going to put her on any medication, Sidney?"

"I don't know yet. I'd like to see what happens in the next few days."

And with that, Hawkeye and Sidney headed for Colonel Blake's office.

A/N: Sorry if this chapter is kind of boring. I assure you it gets better. Please review!


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